I was running around mile 16 of the 2018 New Jersey Marathon when I pulled over to the side of the road, slowed to a walk, and started unpinning my race bib.

I didn’t want to be running this race anymore; I wanted nothing to do with it. I had been gunning for a sub 3:15 marathon time, and after a very on-track first half marathon, my mile splits were getting longer and longer, and my legs were feeling heavier and heavier. My goal time had slipped beyond my reach, and my determination to run had slipped away.

I had no positive thoughts in my brain — which isn’t that rare. But usually during a marathon, I can will myself to keep going. Today felt different, though.

I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. I’d been in this position before… In fact, I’d been at this exact point of this very race several times before: The New Jersey marathon was my second full marathon and my first Boston-qualifying race back in 2013. It was the marathon I ran in a downpour in 2016 after the person I loved broke up with me outside of my apartment after I had rushed home from a long bike ride to be with him. On top of all that, I had just run the Boston marathon a few weeks earlier. I knew I was very capable of finishing. But at that moment, I felt I had nothing left to give.

I pulled out my phone from my race belt to text my coach, Chris Baker, who was waiting for me at mile 20. 

“I’m not finishing this race,” I told him. “I just took off my bib.”

Continue reading “Life Lessons From My First Almost-DNF” →